Saying “no” should be simple, right? Well, not exactly. When your boundaries have been ignored, crossed or even punished in the past, then the smallest limits can start to feel like a big risk.
For someone who has experienced trauma, saying no, speaking up, asking what they need or deciding what they will and will not tolerate can bring up fear, guilt, anxiety or an overwhelming sense that they are doing something wrong. So, if you have ever wondered, “Why can’t I set boundaries?”, the answer may have more to do with what you have experienced than what you want now.
Why boundaries become difficult
Trauma and boundaries can become closely connected. You may learn to ignore your own discomfort because keeping someone else happy feels safer. And people pleasing after trauma can develop for the same reason, particularly when speaking up once led to conflict or rejection.
Trauma can affect how we understand our own needs, how safe it feels to express them and how confident we are in asserting ourselves within relationships. Learning to recognise, establish and honour healthy boundaries can therefore become an important part of trauma recovery.
Rebuilding is a practice
Boundaries are an important part of feeling safe, secure, respected and connected to ourselves. They help us understand where we end and another person begins. They help us recognise our needs, values and limits and they allow us to engage with other people in ways that are healthy, respectful and mutually supportive.
Start by paying attention to the moments when something does not feel right, and giving yourself permission to respond differently. This can slowly rebuild trust in your own judgement.
A shamanic perspective
Within her shamanic practice, Kristy may explore boundaries energetically as well as physically, emotionally and psychologically. Within this spiritual framework, certain relationships can feel draining or difficult to separate from. We can be affected by the energy we carry, absorb and exchange through our relationships in both this lifetime and others. Healing involves returning us to our own centre.
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries?
If you are asking, “Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries?”, remember that guilt does not automatically mean you are doing something wrong.
Practise speaking up in situations that feel manageable. Reclaiming yourself after trauma can begin with small moments where you choose to listen to what you need. It can take time for the nervous system to adjust to a new way of being, and that in itself can bring up unease. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
It's also worth noticing how others respond. Someone who repeatedly ignores, shames, overrides, threatens or punishes you for having a boundary may be showing you important information about the relationship. You cannot always control whether another person respects your boundary, but you can decide what you will do when it is ignored.
Next step
If boundary work connects to a deeper repeating pattern, explore Shamanic Healing for Trauma-Related Themes or book a session with Kristy.
